This paper’s topic–drone delivery–would certainly interest the Illumin audience. However, the paper needs to employ more of the rhetorical strategies discussed in class for appealing to a non-technical audience; although the hook is conceptually sound, it needs to be presented more succinctly. In general, the paper’s writing style needs to be more vivid and direct to engage a general public audience. Our class on good quotations as well the Joseph Williams exercises demonstrated techniques for crafting clear and concise prose. Citations should be corrected as you revise for portfolio. The first source used should be  and its bibliographic entry should be , the second source , and so one; also, consult the handout on Blackboard for bibliography formatting (first initial is used instead of full name, etc). Ask me if you have any questions because the next paper also requires IEEE format.
At times the paper under cites its use of material, and this is an issue that was discussed extensively in class. A citation at the end of a paragraph does not provide a “blanket” citation covering the entire paragraph: every sentence that draws upon ideas from a source needs to cite that source. It is imperative you understand this. All citations errors in this essay must be corrected in order for me to record the grade and all future papers should have meticulous citations. Please confirm that you will review and make any needed citations corrections; if you have any questions, please ask me.
The paper’s organization and paragraph level construction could be stronger. While the connections between points may be clear to you, you need to step back and make sure the reader understands the relationship between ideas. That said, the paper makes many interesting points and it is informative–the next step would be to package this information in an accessible form for a general public audience, but the pieces are all here.
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